This is my second blog entry. I have moved from a state of calm and “I can handle it whatever the outcome” , at least I can handle it ethnically and honestly and using my judgement each step of the way – to – what exactly I wonder?
I am referring to what I used to call my “job search”, but now I call? My “work search”? (What else could it be called, I wonder?)
What is it exactly, that has changed following the presentation and interview on Friday. Also knowing that my next set of assessment and interview for a different opportunity, on Thursday this week, will be here soon.
I thought I would be able to handle each step openly and courageously, and now I am not so sure. The sense of dilemma, of uncertainty, of what is right for me then? is back. I seem to have lost my inner sense of direction, or my inner sense of “I will know when I get there”, and it seems to have been replaced with anxiety and fear of feelings of letting people down.
I guess I believe that saying “no” to one or more of the parties will be letting them down. Even although they might say “no” to me (and therefore I guess, let me down too). I guess this might be another step in my journey with assertiveness. Thinking about it, my childhood was much more about being said “no” to, by parents, teachers and friends – than me saying “no” or even “no thank you”, to choices offered to me. And I didn’t have much practice, going out and finding those choices. And I suppose it does feel different, that I have gone out and sought after these choices, at least some of them, rather than just being sat like a good girl at home, waiting for choices to come to me.
Maybe this is about the right or entitlement to both seek out choices for myself, and to be able to decline them. It is okay not to know in advance if the choice is going to be the right one for you.
I notice the fear and anxiety rising in me, in my tummy, and I can hear my dad saying “you ought to know in advance what you want”. I’m not even sure it was him, but that message came from somewhere for sure.
It just shows how difficult it can be for someone to find their direction, whilst these messages from elsewhere can derail calm, belief in own capability, self love and self acceptance.
What could help? Maybe being even more clear with others, right from the beginning that this is a two way street. Although I think the recruitment process, for permanent jobs or contracts expects or assumes you are interested, and only wants you to ask your questions later. Which doesn’t seem quite adult really, with both sides capable and both sides in a phase of enquiry.
So I have spotted a voice in my head which is not helping. I think it might have come from when the adult in my life at that moment when I was a child, was impatient. The “You’re meant to know” is pretty near to “Don’t waste my time”. Which in nearly any other sphere of mine, nowadays anyway, would bring me back to contracting.
What can I do, what can we each do, to keep this adult. Noticing that I am, or have been, a child in this transaction is the first step towards thinking, being, seeing, behaving – differently.
I must have faith in my ability to take that first step from child towards adult, which is an act of both self love, and assertive. How could I do it on both on Wednesday, when I get the news from Friday, and on Thursday at my next thing, this week.
“You should know what you want in advance!” Really? Is that really possible? A more helpful belief and me might be, as long as I’m being honest in the moment, and treating other people and their time respectfully, enquiry is not only okay, it is a way of life.
And to hang on to my deep yearning for my work, to find its home and place where it can flourish, and bring the difference to the world that I wish for.
